So much for my vow to keep my journal updated...

The truth is, so very much has happened that I can barely make sense of my own thoughts, let alone articulate them and put them on paper in anything resembling coherency. But for the first time in weeks, I feel centered. Strong. I hadn't even realized how lost I'd been...

What happened at Saki's funeral is by now common knowledge, and I couldn't stand to rehash it, regardless. Everyone seems to be healing, more or less, and the church--well, the church has finally returned to its former beauty, thanks in very large part to our new benefactor, Matthew, who has a great many connections on the mainland and seems determined to protect and help the church and everyone in it. God knows we could use all the help we can get.

Though some would probably call it foolish, I've been trying to more brave in moving about the city; and so far, I have to say, I've been pleased. I've actually made a few friends. A few weeks ago, on a whim and a night I was feeling particularly lonely, I wandered into the Twilight Zone and stumbled into a bachelorette party for a Rena Mayne--I'd seen her before but we'd never met. As it turns out, she and her friends were lovely, and fun, and I actually let my guard down long enough to have a couple of drinks and, dare I say it, dance a little. Rena invited me to come back again, perhaps even join the sort of sisterhood they'd formed, and while I haven't taken her up on the offer, it's tempting. I hadn't relaxed like that since coming to Midian, and it was nice... it was good to lose myself in the music and the silliness for a couple of hours, just to not think and worry so much...

Anyway, I met another woman that night, Zephro, who's a bartender at the Milk Bar. She's a wild one, no doubt about it, but I've hung out with her a couple of times now--even, yes, ventured down into the Milk Bar myself--and I like her. My last encounter with her left me a little concerned, as she seemed nervous and not quite herself, but she was talking about changing jobs, moving on from being the "boobs behind the bar," and that has to be a good thing.

I met someone else, as well, who intrigued me. He's far different than anyone else I've met in Midian. Or, truly, anywhere. Interesting man... and as it turns out, he's from an area not far from where I grew up, on the mainland, and it was almost comforting, hearing the familiar accent. But as we parted ways in a rather embarrassing fashion and I'm not sure I'll ever see him again, I'll just leave it at that.

Probably the best friend I've made since coming here--other than Sister Lisbeth and little Luci, of course--is Elise, a catwalker who has become a regular at the church and who I've come to rely on quite a bit. Currently she's teaching me how to use a dagger, and while at first I was very wary about the whole thing--in fact, I'd put off learning self-defense far longer than I should have--I admit I've developed quite a fondness for the thing. Father Eamon says my stance is improving, and Elise says I have a strong arm. The aim still needs some work, but there's no question I'm more comfortable with the entire concept.

But did you think I'd end an entry without some bad news? Perish the thought. *sigh*

It would seem that for some inexplicable reason, the church has recently drawn the attention of a group of--men? demons? both? One man in particular, Hookum (who was partly responsible for what happened at Saki's funeral and has drawn the venom of all of us for other, more personal reasons), has made it a habit of stopping by, dropping in to make not-so-thinly veiled, if completely nonsensical, threats.

And, while I hate to admit it and am trying hard not to dwell on this fact, he seems to be focused on me, specifically.

There was another funeral, for Mitchell Howlett, a few nights ago. I only knew the man by name, and am unclear on the circumstances of his death. But as Matthew, Brother Lincoln (another new arrival, a monk, who's generally quiet--as I suppose monks tend to be--but seems very nice) and I were trying to prepare the church, Hookum walks in the front doors as if he were welcome there. He comes right up to me, and with a great show of bowing and feigning courtship and referring to me as "my lady," he leaves me... a bone. An old bone, a femur, upon closer look, but meaningless for all that.

I barely had time to stash it away before the service, but he wasn't done. A cloaked figure had been standing directly in front of me the entire time--not an unusual thing, so I'd paid it no mind--but as Father Eamon was ending the Mass, the cloaked figure--Hookum again, as it turned out--decided to take his chance to put on another show, disrespecting the dead and the mourners, all to leave me... another bone. The situation escalated when he wanted to take me aside to say something to me--a thing that of course I did not want to allow but wasn't about to let anyone go in my place. A compromise was reached, and Matthew stepped outside with him, Father Eamon keeping watch. When he returned, it was with a cryptic note, and talk of a riddle. At that point, I was so exhausted by the whole thing I just wanted to go home... we still haven't looked at the bones or note. We need to, I know.

And then the next day. I've only spoken of this to Father Eamon, so let me preface by saying the woman in question received medical help and I saw her later that evening, and she seemed... whole, and as well as could be expected. But I was in the church, alone, catching up on some paperwork, when a woman stumbled in the back door. She'd been drugged, and strangled, and though her voice was strained and painful to listen to, she managed to tell me that she'd been sent to me, by Hookum, with a message. That he would be back to finish his deed.

No, I don't know what any of it means. Father Eamon suggested he may just be trying to jerk us around, Matthew apparently thinks it might be something deeper... I don't know. I can't lie and say I'm not scared. I'd be foolish not to be. But I can't let some madman dictate my life...

But I think that's more than enough for now. I've been neglecting a few things, Zoe's and Luci among them, so I should be off. However I'm promising myself now, here where I can't miss it, that I WILL be better about updating...

I'm alone in the church as I write this... well, not completely alone, as somewhere in its vastness Sister Lisbeth and Luci and probably others have, I hope, found sleep, but I've not been able since hearing of the news of Saki's death.

Her murder.

In a way, I feel silly for feeling this way. I only barely knew Saki, and even that acquaintance was only made the past few weeks, but what I knew of her, I liked. She was funny and kind, and I loved the color of her hair (those who know me know of my fondness for purple), though I'm not sure I ever told her that. I know she'd been struggling with something recently that made her quick to anger at times, but that was not who she was. The day she was killed, she and her fiance were in the church, talking of their wedding and joking and laughing and teasing like all couples in love should. It's beyond tragic that it should end this way. I can't imagine what he feels. What her friends feel...

I can't even wrap my mind around that sort of loss. Even the attempt makes me want to cry all over again. I guess it's good no one is here to see me, they'd probably think I'd lost my mind.

This is not my first encounter with death, of course, but it is here in Midian, involving someone I actually knew.

I feel so cold... colder than usual, and I know it has little to do with the weather. Father Eamon has been gone all day on church business--he's still gone as far as I know--and I doubt he's even heard the news. I'll need to be strong for him when he does hear, because his reaction... I don't know what to expect. His convictions run so deep, but so does his anger, and his sense of justice. I need him, but others are going to need him more. This is going to be difficult, and I worry for him. I worry for all of us.

I swear, I have half a mind to act like a child myself and wake the sister just to have someone to sit with, but of course I never would. I need to be stronger than this. If I'm questioning God's wisdom in this act, then I can only imagine what her friends must think. If they are to find strength in God's love, then I need to help light the way, and I cannot do that if I doubt, myself.

I spent my day saying prayers for selfish reasons, and now I say one for Saki's soul. May she be at peace, and in God's arms. May her friends find comfort and a peace of their own. May Saki's tormentors understand the horror of what they've done. May God protect us all, and show others His light. And may we all learn wisdom and love, in spite of this and because of this.

OK, now I really should go home and try to sleep. Or at least get something to eat. Without anyone to cook for all day I rather forgot, and it wouldn't do anyone any good for me to get sick on top of everything else. And in light of what happened it's probably unwise to be walking the streets alone this late--something which I'll have to mention to the sister as well, when I see her again...

I really must be better about updating my journal, as so much happens I get lost if I don't keep up on top of things...

I'll start with the lowlight of last week, to get it out of the way. Midian, for a few days, seemed to be overrun by what Luci referred to as "Green Meanies," but I heard them called sylphs, attached to an artifact of some sort. Fortunately I, and the people I care most about, did not have any direct run-ins, but many people did and the stories I heard were terrifying. It seems, however, that they've been beaten back, and I haven't seen or heard of any in the city for a couple of days. I'm sure the quiet will not last, but I will pray that it does.

The highlight of the past week, however, was that I got to attend a wedding on the mainland that Father Eamon officiated! I did not know the bride and groom going in, though they were both gracious and lovely, but ohh, I had the most wonderful time... not only was it on the mainland, as I said, which involved sun and warmth and birds and lush, green grass and all the things I forget I miss while in Midian, but I got to wear a dress. I know this may not sound like much, but the occasions are rare when I get to put on heels and fix my hair and fuss over my makeup and wear real jewelry. To think I took all that for granted, and not so long ago. But Father Eamon did a beautiful job. It was his first wedding ceremony since coming to the city, and I know he was a little nervous, even if he didn't let it show. As always, his words transported me, and I believed everything he said. It was easy, there in the sunshine and with the endless blue, blue sky over our heads. I could close my eyes--not completely, as I wanted to see and soak in everything--but enough to pretend that if things were just the tiniest bit different...

Of course, they're not. But for a little while, I could pretend, and it is those moments that get me through the more difficult times.

And perhaps best of all, while I did not get a chance to dance at the wedding, I did manage to wrangle one after we came home. For me, the day could not have ended any better than that. *smiles*

The rest of the week has been a mix of emotions and minor events. The staff is growing at Zoe's (as are the smattering of left-behind tip jars in the restaurant. If people are not careful, others will run off with their tips! *laughs*). I met Paulie, who might be the largest man I've ever seen. But he was friendly enough. I especially liked Vampi, who was almost shockingly friendly, compared to most of the people I meet. Just today I found out Luci had an... incident with an apparent drug dealer at the restaurant. I haven't had a chance to see for myself, but I had a good talk with Luci and I don't think we'll have to worry about her accepting joints from strangers again. Or, hopefully, people she knows. But I'm new to this pseudo-surrogate sister/mother thing, so I don't know for certain that I got through to her.

And Mass... Oh, Mass! I forget it's actually been a couple of weeks since I updated, and that two weeks ago we actually had a shooting in the middle of the service! Some woman, a Legion member I believe, just opened fire for no apparent reason, hitting two women, including one catwalker. Both were fine, and for some inexplicable reason the shooter was released from the MPD about an hour later. That was my first experience with a shooting, and I would be lying to say it didn't unnerve me. I tried to keep my calm, however, and not let it show. I think I succeeded. But that was followed by a... I'm not sure what to call her. A tragedy, certainly. The mutant woman who was once a Neko that Sister Lisbeth ran into previously showed up, latched to the ceiling. Father Eamon managed to talk her down, but I'm not sure how much good it did. She, for all intents and purposes, died, right there in the antechamber, then just as quickly came back to life and bounded out of the church, leaving a pool of blood behind, both on the carpet and all over Father Eamon.

Last week's Mass was much calmer, in terms of violence. I, however, am... struggling, for lack of a better word. I can't explain much more than that, which is part of my struggle, but my faith is being tested in a way I hadn't expected. It started as a suspicion that has grown into a near-certainty, and I have been praying every night for God to keep me focused on what I know to be true, to trust in what I believe. An irony, I realize, given the circumstances, but I have never questioned God's wisdom in putting the both of us into this situation in the first place. The doubt and worry lie only in my own heart, and I must find a way to get past it, or at least around it. I knew, logically, the challenges I would face here, and thought I understood the journey that lay before us when it came to pass that I would stay. But the reality is so much different. It's worth it, oh, so very worth it, and I would not be anywhere else than by his side. Even in this place, even with this glimmer of heartache.

But always I have believed in love, in all its forms, and so shall I continue, and trust that God will bear that belief out in truth.

I know it's been a very long time since I've written. I can't remember the number of times I've started and stopped, for one reason or another. So much has changed, and yet so much has not...

I've taken on a bigger role at the parish, not only helping Father Eamon but joining the choir as well. At first I thought it would just be to help out Sister Lisbeth, but she's been called away more Sundays than not. I actually don't mind. I think the congregation--small though it may be--is getting used to me leading the choir, and I find myself looking forward to it.

And I've started working part-time as a waitress at Zoe's Cafe, which has been... well, somewhere between boring and disturbing, depending on the night. My very first night I had someone show up with a chainsaw, though fortunately Gin came by to keep me company and I think kept the guy away. Tonight, I had few customers, but a lot of biomechs running around looking for some other biomech. Eventually someone dropped a grenade into the sewer, a bunch of people with weapons jumped in, and I was left just as confused as I was when it all started.

However, I did meet a nice man named Hiro, who actually had come into church a few Sundays ago to have Father Eamon bless his weapons. At the time, he was a member of the MPD, but he told me tonight that he left because it was corrupt--or at least, that the people running it were corrupt. I didn't get any more details than that, but he said he's trying to form his own proactive group, called the Desperados. I told him I couldn't possibly forget that name... not with that old Eagles song now running through my head.

The loneliness has gotten easier to bear, with the sister and Father Eamon and, of course, little Luci, an orphan who has become, for all intents and purposes, a little sister to me. Or maybe even a daughter, of sorts. She's far too brave and curious for her own good, but she's smart and sweet, despite her tough life, and Sister Lisbeth has completely taken her under her wing.

Then there's dear Gin, of course, and a few others that I wouldn't go so far as to call friend, yet, but who are friendly enough. I still wait to hear word from my family, but try not to worry. I know they're not thrilled with my leaving, even moreso because they don't know why, but this is my choice, not theirs.

And as for that choice... still, not a single regret. We are closer than ever, I think, and I know I'm happier than I've ever been, despite all the chaos around us. Something happened recently that I feared would tear us apart, but thanks to his bravery, I believe that danger has passed. There will be another around the corner, I have no doubt, but I hold to my faith, as tightly as I can...

It has been a few weeks now since I arrived here.

I wish I could say that I've settled in, or that things are going well. I suppose, in a sense, I have and they are, at least in that I'm still alive and mostly figured my way around the city. But all of this is far, far more difficult than I ever imagined.

I don't have a single regret. I know I did the right thing in coming to Midian. I know I did the right thing, acting on my feelings. And in my brief, fleeting time with him, I'm happier than I've ever been.

The rest of the time?

It's profoundly lonely here. And frightening. My friends, my family... contact has been restricted to letters that I mailed out two weeks ago. I have no way of knowing if they made their way back to the mainland, or if I'll ever hear back from them. I spend my days either being afraid of initiating contact with the wrong sort of person--if person is even what you can call half the beings here--or being afraid of being alone. The nights I spend trying to block out the sounds from outside... or even from the next room. There's so much violence, and so much anger and pain. It's everywhere, and I'm finding it harder to keep my spirits up.

Seeing him makes it all worth it, of course. Even now, thinking of him makes me smile. I'm happy for what we have, and grateful. I was prepared for him to spurn me, to make me leave, and I spent the first few days after he admitted he felt the same feeling as if I were walking on a cloud. But every minute with him makes me want another, and I worry about how long it will be before I start resenting the thing that keeps us apart. Or before he starts resenting me for causing him such conflict. Even here, I dare not say his name, for fear someone will find out.

Despite everything, I think he's happy I'm here. This city is complicated and hard, and I think he likes having someone to talk to who he can trust. And I'm happy to help, any way I can. He's in danger, more than I think he realizes and more than I think he's telling me, and it leaves me tossing and turning every night. And it's hard, because I can't confide in him the same way. I don't want him to worry, or color our time together with unpleasant things.

In lighter news, I did meet a young girl at the center who's funny and clever, even though she, too, is alone. Luci, who stole a candy bar for me the other day. I shouldn't be flattered--stealing is, of course, wrong--but I am. And it's nice to be able to help someone, even if it's just buying her the occasional bowl of noodles.

Oh! And yesterday I met Sister Lisbeth, at the church. She's impossibly bright and sunny, innocent and honest. She's been here a little longer than I have, and I will try to draw inspiration from her.

All I can do is take one day at a time. And hope.